Monday, July 13, 2009

Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, BEETLEJUICE!!

Everyone knows that a truly legendary pop star makes a career off integrating obscure pop references with his or her lyrics and image. Just ask Kanye. For his music video for "Stronger" he chose to incorporate various allusions to the classic anime staple "Akira", making that five-minute piece likely the closest thing we'll ever come to seeing a live-action version...with Kanye playing Tetsuo...(sigh) Anyway, I've run off course. Ah yes! That is why I am absolutely elated to see Gaga giving her own take on the 1980s cult-classic Beetlejuice at one of her concerts, however unintentionally. Tell me that make up (especially the eyes) isn't the spitting image of the ghost with the most:
Now take a minute to let that sink in.
As for the rest of her outfit, it appears to be from the underappreciated "I, Robot" line from Victoria's Secret. Or something. Go figure.

Everyone knows it's slinky...

I guess they call it Tinseltown for a reason. Here we see Madame Gaga sporting a nice ensemble that falls somewhere between the old slinky toys and the Michelin Man. And then I'm pretty sure my grandmother wears those sunglasses when she comes back from the eye doctor. She also appears to be holding something like a clipboard (possibly an agenda?) in her hands, which instantly separates her from the majority of pop icons in that she can write. Unless she's drawing a kitty cat pooping on all the piles of money she's copped off "Love Game". The tragedy is that we'll never know for sure.
I would like to believe that she's writing something along the lines of "save me from this superficial hell I've unleashed upon myself".
P.S. For all the Gaga fans out there, check out this Daughtry cover of "Poker Face". I wouldn't profess to be a Daughtry fan but this is pretty okay:
Also, I like the idea of Lady Gaga having an agenda in this photograph. A "shedule" as they say in Britain. I imagine here "shedule" would look something like this.
To Do:
1. Learn to shut playboy mouth
2. Recover keys and phone
3. Hone poker face
4. Turn t-shirt right-side-out
5. Thank Michelin for the dress

Friday, July 3, 2009

Take a "Bow"

This photo is eerily reminiscent of some of the Phil Spector trial photos that I've been seeing for however many years now. It's obviously the glasses. I don't remember Murderin' Phil ever wearing pearl necklaces and tying his own hair into a bow (not that he probably couldn't have).

This pic is more "Lady" than "Gaga" but it shows that even on a normal day, she dresses like no normal human being would. This picture is all kinds of GagaFAIL. "Attempt to look studious": Fail. "Attempt to look sophisticated": Fail. Am I being too hard on her? Without any doubt, but this one aggravates me even more than the Gagatron pic with the flames shooting out of her brazeer because this one is halfway redeeming.

I just long for the day when Lady Gaga markets her music and not her outlandish diva-nity. They compare her to Madonna. I say, she's more like a "premadonna".

Thursday, July 2, 2009

I'll bet they actually had a LOT to talk about

Don't get me wrong. I am an unabashed Kanye West fanatic. Musically, everything he touches turns to gold, which makes him King Midas when it comes to beats (yeah, I went there). But his ego is unmatched only by his fashion sense and I found something incredibly telling about this picture I stumbled across on the Internet.
Sir Paul McCartney--meet, Kanye West.
The truly embarrassing thing is that they both showed up wearing the exact same thing and Paul had to change! Luckily, he had a spare suit out in the limo, while Kanye West was actually wearing a complete Stormtrooper outfit from the original Star Wars trilogy underneath of this hoody.
True story.
So Kanye, when's that "Graduation" sequel coming out? My title suggestion: "Post-Grad"

"Mics are for singin', not for swingin'"

Hey, Adam Lazzara, lead singer for Taking Back Sunday. Long time no see. Say, is that a jewel-encrusted microphone you have around your neck? Man, it really brings out your voice. WAIT! You're not Adam Lazzara, lead singer for Taking Back Sunday. You're Lady Gaga!

Is that lightning bolt just make-up, or a birthmark? Or is it drawn on with a Sharpie like the peace symbol on your left wrist (jk, it's probably real).

This is actually Lady Gaga at her least obnoxious so I'm not going to rip on it too much. I just found it odd that she was taking notes from Adam Lazarra, LEAD SINGER FOR TAKING BACK SUNDAY. If she would keep the theatrics toned down to this level, there would be no need to include her in this blog. Otherwise, she can tighten that cord a little, although mics're for sangin' like singers, not fur hangin' from yur fingers.

I apologize. You deserve better.

They tried to make me go to "Fail-hab", I said "No, No, No"

Does anyone else think that she looks like a Dementor from the Harry Potter books in this picture (taken from Google)? At the very least, her hair looks like one is trying to devour her skull. Crack is whack, Children. Fifteen years from now, I'll be showing my kids pictures of Amy Winehouse to keep them in line. Won't eat your vegetables, Tommy? Well, look at this. Won't rake the leaves, huh? Guess again. Won't file my taxes? Try this on for size. She looks like the undead zombie of Catherine Keener (who, thankfully, is still alive). Somebody remind me why we gave this trainwreck so many Grammys?

I Hate to Burst Your Bubble

For anyone who's still questioning her musical prowess, I want you all to notice how she's working those high keys with her right foot. Sure you can't hear them because this is a blog, but I can vouch for her. Stevie Wonder and Billy Joel are screwing you, only giving you two appendages' worth of piano, but she steps it up a notch. I swear to God that I even saw a third arm slip out of the bubbles clustered to her left hip that started wailing on a timpani.

Speaking of bubbles, let's talk about that outfit. She looks like she's being gangraped by multiple Scrubbing Bubbles ( ...Sure, they LOOK innocent), and for anyone who is offended by the term "gangrape"--you're 100% right, but I don't know a PC term for that expression. Also, I don't know of any Gaga songs with a piano in them, but then I haven't listened to the full album yet. Just sayin'.

Also, again. I want to reiterate that I have nothing malicious against Lady Gaga. It's her image that I have a beef with, and especially her lyrics. She has talent, so she doesn't need to appeal to the lowest common denominator with ridiculous outfits and misogynist lyrics. Not the "sort of" misogynistic lyrics. I'm talking about "Love Game". Here's a translated version of "Love Game" that I worked out just in case people aren't able to read through her unparalleled grasp of metaphor.

Let's have some [sex], this beat is sick.
I wanna take a ride on your [penis]

I wanna kiss you But if i do then i might miss you, Babe
It's complicated and stupid
Got my xxx squeezed by sexy cupid
Guess he wants to (have sex), wants to (have sex)
Hold me and (have sex)
Just want to (have sex) for a minute
Baby (???? ????? ????? ?????? ?????)

Let's have some (sex), this beat is sick
I wanna take a ride on your (penis)
Don't think too much, just bust that (penis? ass?)
I wanna take a ride on your (definitely, penis)

Let's (have sex), (have sex)
Do you want (sex), or you want fame
Or you win the game.

You get the point. Maybe this is just my take on it. Maybe the line "let's have some fun, this beat is sick--I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" is actually questioning the inherent conflict of morality in funneling financial assitance to Third World leaders who then exercise those assets against their own people and for the sole benefit of a limited ruling elite. It's really anyone's guess.

Mah-mah-mah-mah-poker-fail-mah-mah-poker fail...

This is easily my all-time favorite Lady Gaga picture (I found it on Google). Why, you ask? Because it tells you volumes upon volumes of fascinating things about her.

1. That her chest is highly flammable.
2. That police officers spontaneously strip in her presence.
3. That she doesn't think twice about eating a microphone.

Now, people are going to give me crap about ragging on her. "But she's so young! You're being unfair!" True. I just feel like I've seen this happen too many times to watch it happen again. We have a "Hot" (no pun, intended, despite the sparks) Mess on our hands waiting to happen, and unlike Britney Spears, Amy Winehouse, Miley Cyrus, etc., I actually think Gaga has some talent, which is why I hate to see her whoring out her image with pyrotecnics blasting from her tits. She should let her voice and natural aptitude for dance beats speak for themselves, rather than wowing us with her Diva-On-Overdrive schtick. Otherwise, this one's gonna burn out just like those twin cannons, which would light her hair on fire if she didn't arch her back.